Hotel Paper
by Legendary Super Candyce
Summary: SONGFIC: Quistis contemplates her lingering feelings for Squall while staying in Balamb Hotel


> _Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft, etc. I also don't have any legal claim to Michelle Branch's music. That is all._   
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> 
> _Dearest Quisty,   
Great news here in Garden! Squall and Rinoa are getting married! Can you believe it? He asked her last night at dinner and she said yes, of course. They haven't set a date yet, but I'll let you know as soon as they do. Rinoa will probably want you to be one of her bride's maids, but I'm not sure yet 'cause they really haven't made any plans. It's the weirdest thing. Squall actually smiles! Can you believe it? He smiles! And sometimes he even laughs! He's changed so much it's like he's not even the same person. _
> 
> Anyway, everyone really misses you and wishes you would come back…" 
> 
> Quistis Trepe sighed and put the letter aside on the bed. She didn't need to hear Selphie go on and on again about how everyone missed her and wished she would come back. After the fight with Ultimecia, Quistis had resigned as a SeeD and left the Garden. After such a long and brutal battle, she realized that she didn't really want to be a mercenary anymore. Headmaster Cid had been reluctant to let her go, but eventually he had given her a hefty sum of severance pay and many well wishes. She was currently staying at the Balamb Hotel, trying to figure out what to do with her life. Several times she had tried to leave Balamb, but she wasn't quite ready to let go of the only place she'd ever remembered calling home. 
> 
> Quistis picked up the letter and read the first few lines again. Squall and Rinoa were getting married. It was no surprise, in fact she had been waiting for the news for quite some time but that didn't stop it from hurting. She was still in love with Squall. She knew it was foolish, she had no chance now that he and Rinoa were engaged. To be truthful, she had never really had a chance. Squall just never liked her that way. 
> 
> As tears stung the corner of her eyes, Quistis opened a drawer in the nightstand and pulled out a pen and pad of paper. She walked over to the small table at the foot of the bed and began to write.   
  
_I write mostly on hotel paper   
Knowing that my thoughts will never leave this room_
> 
> She had started many letters in much the same way she started this one, "Dear Squall…", but none of them had ever been finished or sent to the recipient. In fact, if the maid's didn't empty the trashcans once a day, the room would be full of crumpled up half letters that had Quistis' most intimate thoughts and feeling scrawled on them in her perfect handwriting. She decided this time, however, that she would finish the letter and send it to Squall, even though she knew it would do know good. She continued. 
> 
> "Dear Squall,   
I just heard the news about you and Rinoa. Congratulations. I don't want this letter to upset you or make you feel bad in anyway, nor do I want you to even consider what might have been, but I have something to tell you. I love you…"   
  
_I'd be out of line telling you "Leave her"   
So I lie lonely surrounded by you   
By you_
> 
> Quistis reread the lines she had just written and sighed. There was no point in doing this. She wasn't going to finish it anyway and even if she did, she'd never send it to him. It wouldn't matter anyway. He wouldn't leave Rinoa and come rushing to Quistis. He didn't love her. He never would. 
> 
> Give it up Quistis, she chastised herself, you're just setting yourself up for another day of depression and self-loathing. 
> 
> It was true. The last time Selphie and Irvine had come to visit her, she had just thrown away one of her letters to Squall. She was definitely not in the mood for Selphie's cheerfulness or Irvine's casual flirting. They had ended up leaving within thirty minutes, thinking that she missed the Garden and was reminded of it through them. They had never known the real reason of her sadness.   
  
_Lately I can't be happy for no one   
They think I need some time to myself   
I try to smile but I can't remember   
I know tomorrow they'll be nothing else_
> 
> Quistis glanced down at the letter she was composing and a wave of despair washed over her. It wasn't fair. She could've been with Squall. She could've made him happy. She could've given him the world and he wouldn't even give her a chance. Sometimes she wondered if there was something she could do, something that would make Squall love her but she knew there wasn't. 
> 
> Suddenly, she had the urge to go to the Garden and see with her own two eyes what was really going on between Squall and Rinoa. She just couldn't believe that Squall would be happy like Selphie described it. She had hardly ever seen Squall smile and had never heard him laugh. How could one person change him so drastically? It didn't make any sense. Maybe in the next week she would go and see, just so she could quit doubting that he was in fact, happy.   
  
_And I, I wanted to be   
Giving you everything that she's not giving   
And I, I wanted to see   
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing_
> 
> That was a lie. She would never go back to Garden. There were too many memories there and most of them weren't happy ones. Besides, seeing Squall happy with Rinoa would probably send her spiraling down into a depression that she wouldn't be able to drag herself out of and that scared her more than anything. No, it was better if she just took Selphie's word for it and stayed away. Of course, she could still write the letter. 
> 
> Quistis picked up her pen and picked up where she left off 
> 
> "I love you. I know you must think I'm crazy or something but it's true. I've always loved you, ever since I first saw you in the Garden. I know that you knew I had feelings for you but I don't think you ever realized how deep they went. I know you probably hate me for heaping this all on you now that you're planning your wedding, but I just had to get it off my chest. I'm sorry if I've ruined your day or something…" 
> 
> She paused, contemplating her next words. What else could she say to him? Her feelings were so deep and complicated that she could never fully explain them to him, especially in a letter.   
  
_You turned out to be more than I bargained for   
And I can tell that you need to get away   
Forgive me if I admit that I'd love to love you   
We both realized it way too late_
> 
> "Why is it so hard?" she asked aloud to the empty room, "Why does life have to be so hard?" 
> 
> The only answer she received was a slight rustling of the drapes over the window as they were stirred by a breeze. Tears pushed up into her eyes again but she successfully held them off. She hated to cry, especially about things she could do nothing about. Regaining her composure, she sat up straighter and put on a stern face, the one that had earned her the nickname "Ice Queen" at the Garden. This would not bring her down. It wouldn't.   
  
_And I, I wanted to be   
Giving you everything that she's not giving   
And I, I wanted to see   
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing_
> 
> Quistis' attention was drawn to the unfinished letter by a breeze coming in through the window. The salt scented wind caught the paper and tried to push it onto the floor. Quistis caught it and reread what she had written. She suddenly realized how stupid it was and how much of a fool she'd be making of herself if she actually finished and sent it. She crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it into the nearby wastebasket where it would remain until removed by the maid's in the morning.   
  
_Maybe this wind blowing in just came from the ocean_
> 
> Suddenly, she decided that it was time to go, time to leave Balamb for good. Maybe she would be happier someplace far away where Squall would be nothing but a sad memory. She picked up the phone on the desk and pushed in the number for the Balamb Train Station. After reserving a ticket for the 8:00am train to Timber, she turned back to the blank pad of hotel stationary and started a new letter that she knew she could finish. 
> 
> "Dear Selphie,   
I'm writing to inform you that I'm leaving Balamb forever. I'm not sure where I'll end up but as soon as I settle down, I'll write to you again and let you know where I am. Please tell the others for me. I'll miss all of you." 
> 
> Quistis signed her name to the bottom of the page and folded it up. She would get and envelope and mail it tomorrow before she got on the train. That way, there would be no chance that any of them would know she was going before she left. 
> 
> Quistis stood up from the chair and, feeling good for the first time since she had left the Garden, went to pack.   
  
_I write mostly on hotel paper_
> 
> _--------------------------------------------------------_
> 
> The song is "Hotel Paper" by Michelle Branch


End file.
